Dog Funnies
Housebreaking Advise
The best piece of advice I can ever give any puppy
owner is to get a newspaper, roll it up very tight, secure it with a rubber
band and leave it
on the coffee table. Then when the puppy piddles in the house,
chews up a slipper, or does anything it is not supposed to do, simply take
the newspaper
and bang it on the top of your head very hard while repeating........
"I should have been watching my puppy"
"I should have been watching my puppy"
"I should have been watching my puppy"
House Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to
sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Author Unknown
Creation
On the first day, God created the Dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the
good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might
not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and
the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Author Unknown
If Only
If only my dog had stood on his stand,
When I gave him the signal: A move of one hand.
If only he'd stayed on the one minute sit.
Instead of deciding that 50 seconds was it.
A figure 8 perfect, I could almost boast;
If only he'd gone round the other post.
If only he'd dropped on the signal I gave,
And not when he saw the spectator wave.
The retrieve on the flat - he knew what to do;
If only he'd brought back the dumbbell I threw.
The high jump retrieve - the only thing he lacked,
And that dumbbell he didn't bring back.
On the broad jump, if only he'd jumped all the way,
and not tiptoed between to my utter dismay.
When I signaled the glove it was there in plain sight;
If only he'd gone for the glove that was right.
His go-out was perfect - he just went so far;
If only he hadn't both times jumped the bar.
We'd have had a 200 - he could do everything,
If only he hadn't run out of the ring.
Author Unknown
Things I Can Learn From A Dog
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout...run right back and make friends.
Bond with your pack.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Author Unknown
How To Photograph A New Puppy
If Dogs Made The Rules
If I like it, it's mine
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
author unknown
A New Disease
We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus among dog-owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has anyone identified this disease, and begun to study it. We call it the Acquired Canine Obsessive Syndrome (ACOS). At first, ACOS was originally considered to be psychological in nature, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent. Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease and typical symptoms, and they are:
A. You have the early symptoms (Stage I) if:
B. You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if:
C. You are a terminal case (Stage III) if:
Do you have this dreaded disease? Well, there is hope. In the course of our
research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at Stage II, and remain
chronic. We, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III
ACOS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are
studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease. It is a sad
sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their
rooms in endless triangle or L-patterns, making odd hand motions (as if
holding a lead and baiting a dog), and making chirping noises. Merely saying
the word "Westminster" can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy.
Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for these cases, but with time and
research to further understand this disease, we hope to come up with a cure.
We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to
develop a vaccine in the future.
An interesting sidelight of this
disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect.
Several people afflicted with ACOS at Stage II and Stage III have close
family members (children, husbands, wives) who have absolutely no disease.
It is thought by some of our researchers that this may be due to
environmental effects, to an age-related immune function, or to the fact
that those at these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their
close family members possibly due to the memory deficit induced by the
disease - that is, in that they don't remember that they have close family
members!
What can you do to prevent this
disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the measure. Avoid kennels
advertising "show stock," since it may be that dogs are carriers of the
disease. Leave town on those days that the local newspapers inform you of a
show in the area. If you inadvertently come into contact with an ACOS-afflicted
person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly
shower, preferably with germicidal soap. If you are living with an ACOS-afflicted
person, take comfort that, if you haven't succumbed yet, you are probably
safe.
author unknown
Obedience Quiz
Please choose the correct answers
Heel on lead means
A) Walk kinda behind your handler, always staying out of peripheral vision.
B) Have fun playing, this may include biting the lead, pants, or a playful
nip to the heel of your handler.
C) This is really a towing exercise. Either tow your handler or be towed by
them.
D) All of the above.
Figure Eight is for
A) Making friends with the posts.
B) Your last chance to play with the lead.
C) A good time to practice those Stays.
D) All of the above.
The Stand for Exam is for
A) Licking the judge.
B) Sleeping.
C) Checking out the audience and finding new folks you want to meet.
D) All of the above.
Heel Free means
A) Sniff until something interests you then wander away from your handler.
B) Time to meet those friendly people you had your eye on during the Stand.
C) Time to show your potential for Utility and do a "Go Out".
D) All of the above.
Recall means
A) Hummmmm I don't recall what this means better just sit here.
B) Run as fast as you can to your handler and jump on them.
C) Run to that spot that smelled so interesting and proceed to check it out.
D) Alternate all of the above responses.
Finish?
A) I'm almost am finished.
Stays are for
A) Twitching to freak out your handler.
B) Licking your parts. Like you are a guest on the Howard Stern Show.
C) This is a play time. I guess I'd better get started.
D) Just pick one or two of the above.
CD means
A) Nothing
B) Creative Dog
C) Confused Dog
D) Clueless Dog
Author Unknown
YELLOW URKA-GURKAS - Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture
while making a prolonged 'uuurka-guuurka, uuurka-guuurka' noise. (This noise
is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog lover who is hung-over
from a post dog show celebration at 3:30 a.m.) After mad scrambling to
capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an indelible ten
yard line of slimy yellow from the living room rug to the back door.
BLAP DISEASE - Dog exercises hard and a) eats large
mouthfuls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or b) drinks a
bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease). Within 2 minutes of returning inside,
the dog spews out large amounts of clear slimy liquid while making a
distinctive 'blap' sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.
GARKS - Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and
dramatic gggaark, gggark' noises, generally followed by
prolonged 'iiikssss' and then loud satisfied smacking
noises. There is Nothing on the rug. Don't investigate, you
don't want to know.
RALFS - Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits
until the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then with a single
deep gut-wrenching 'raaalfff' disgorges the entire week's contents of his
stomach on the dining room rug. VARIATION: then he eats it.
In all the above events, the dog is entirely healthy and
indeed deeply pleased with himself.
EXHIBITOR'S PRAYER
Dear Protector of Dogs and
Fools:
When that intelligent, hardworking, honest judge finally sees what I see in
this dog I've worked so hard and long with, help me to accept my win with
grace and dignity.
And, when that blind, clueless idiot -- I mean, judge -- somehow fails to
see what a fine job we've done, (well, at least better than the so-and-so
he placed ahead of us!), help me to accept my defeat with some of that same
grace and dignity.
Lord, you alone know how I've sweated blood over this dog, the hours I've
spent getting her ready (and, Lord, are any of them ever ready?).
You (and probably only you!)
understand why I've spent good money on this animal... money I could have
spent on lots of other things -- things that just might have afforded me a
little more pleasure and a lot less frustration.
Lord, tolerate my disappointment when I lose, and help me keep it all in
perspective. Help me remember that when some dog show judge gives me
the gate, it's not as if St. Peter just gave me those pearly ones.
Lord, clear my eyes and help me see, *before* I open my big mouth, that the
so-and-so with the cow-hocked, pony-gaited dink walking out of the
ring ahead of me is actually a fellow exhibitor who has also worked hard,
maybe even sweated blood over *his* dog too, and probably deserves to enjoy
this moment to its fullest while it lasts.
Lord, you know there are sometimes -- but not nearly as often as I tend to
suppose when I lose -- such ugly things as Politics, Prejudice, and
Unethical Practices, which may cause my dog to get beaten unfairly
-sometimes. Help me, then, to remember that several
wrongs won't ever make a right, and that none of the wrongs gives me an
excuse to act like an idiot.
You know I'm a competitor, Lord; I make no bones about that. I love to
win and I hate to get beat. There are few things more abhorrent to
me, Lord, than placing sixth out of six.
If I didn't love to compete, I'd stay home and knit afghans. But then,
there are probably afghan shows, and people who hire professional knitters
with high-tech knitting machines, and most likely there are afghan show
judges who raise sheep whose wool goes into some of the winningest afghans,
and there I'd be -- still frustrated, still getting beat, and without a dog
to share half the blame.
This year, Lord, help me to have a little more faith in my fellow dog
folks, and for Heaven's sake, help me win, or lose, with a little class.
Author Unknown
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. When you run away in the
middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little
like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose
walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the poop piles in the yard. Do you realize how far
behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my
knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!